Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
