So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
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She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
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Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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