She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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