i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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