he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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