did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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