The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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