The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
