My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
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