how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
