I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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