Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
