she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
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