Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
