my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
