I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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