pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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