You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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