a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Randomize
