How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
