I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
