The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
