There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
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Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
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I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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