You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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