it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Randomize
