Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
