how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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