seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
