she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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