your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
