i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
