my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
