So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
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It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
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He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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