the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
