So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
