Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Please don't give away my fajitas
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
