so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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