There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
