I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
