so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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