im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
