glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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