I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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