Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
