You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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