she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
