Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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