70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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