So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just found puke in my bra..
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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