if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
