Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
