is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
